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My experience with addictions

June 26, 2011

So i decided to post this after my post on sleeping patterns where i mentioned that ive had bad experiences with addictions. I decided to write this purely on a whim and simply to get this all off my chest and also to let you guys know more about me.

I guess the first thing i should talk about would be my past experience with addiction. My step-dad, one of the few people that i can truly say i hate, is an alcoholic. When he first became involved with my life he wasnt to bad, just the usual drinking on the weekends or whenever he was having friends over for a party, and he never truly abused me or my mom.

Time went on, his dad died of liver failure from GUESS WHAT alcohol abuse and that made things with him a little worse but nothing compared to as bad as theyd get. A little while after that we moved to a completely different province due to the fact that he was constantly being laid off due to the seasonal requirements of his job as a landscaper and because we needed to get out of the place that we lived, turns out if your looking to buy a house dont buy a trailer on indian land because youll end up selling it for a loss.

So we moved to the city that i currently live in and due to the fact that we lost money with our previous house we ended up moving in with his mother which is probably where the first part of the problem came from because no man wants to be living with his mom when hes approaching forty LEAST OF ALL when he has a family to support.

We lived there for a time and he steadily drank to the point where ANYONE who observed him would think “Yup that man theres an alcoholic” yet we didnt do anything. He consistently treated me and my mom like utter crap and basically making everyones lived miserable. It was while we were with his mother that i went through the only physical abuse incident that i can remember but that may be due to repressing as many memories as possible to do with him.

After a few years there we moved out on our own again and started renting a townhouse in a fairly well-to-do neighbourhood but his drinking just kept getting worse and worse. He started treating me like crap more and more and was also treating my mom like crap to. The only person in the house that he DIDNT treat like crap was my sister and he treated her like a baby even though she was in elementary school.

After a little over a year of suffering this people started intervening, we had planned to do an intervention but that eventually got forgotten about. After a little more of the abuse his mother and several other people finally decided to give him an ultimatum, go to rehab or get kicked out. So off he went to rehab for the base 60 day period through which he remained sober.

Since it was the summer i was spending my summer vacation with my grandparents who lived within an hour of the rehab he went to so every weekend i got to do visitation with him. During these visits he would constantly talk about how he wanted to make things right with me and spend more time with me and that he would treat me better. He did the required appologizing thing and we had enjoyable visits there although we werent really sure we meant what he was saying.

He got out of rehab a week before i was supposed to go back to Calgary to go back to school again so we drove him to the airport in Victoria and provided him company until he got onto the plane. He flew home and was there a week then me and my grandma drove back so that i could start attending school again.

I noticed instantly that he had been drinking, it was so obvious, but according to my mom hed been sober for the entire week up to that point which left me with a single thought in my head. That i made him drink.

He quickly went back to his old abusive ways but that only lasted for around three-quarters of a year before he got kicked out and we moved to a less expensive neighbourhood. He still has weekend visits with my sister, his biological daughter (so technically shes my half-sister).

Now on to what will be the hardest part for me to write about, my addiction. Im addicted to self-harm, its an addiction iv been fighting with for a year and a half now.

Im sure alot of you dont understand how that type of thing can be considered an addiction but its really quite simple once you boil it all down. An addiction is doing something that causes a reaction that is pleasurable, or at least provides something that you think you need. In this case the addiction is cutting which provides both a relief to built-up emotions (to me at least) but also releases various enzymes and chemicals that can create a high-like feeling.

At one point it reached the point where i was cutting myself almost daily just to deal with the over flowing amount of emotions i was having. Im not a person who cant openly express emotions but there are quite a few that i find hard to express and it also doesnt help that im empathetic and occasionally feel the negative emotions of those around me.

Ive been able to mostly control it but there are still moments where it feels like cutting is the only way to let my feelings go so i can feel other emotions again.

One of the main reasons i have a hard time expressing some emotions is cause of the way i was raised and the way my step-dad treated me. The way he treated me has also lead to me having very low self-esteem and a feeling of being closed off from the rest of the world and not wanting to interact.

I never feel the need to cut out of the blue, it always follows some incident and it always occurs while im going through an episode of depression.

Just writing this all out and admiting it to the internet has been quite therapeutic. Thanks for enduring my bitching and such if you did im sure this wont happen to terribly often.

You’re still the best more or less, I guess.

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